Domestic violence against men: the hidden side of spousal abuse
66In 2007/08 in the UK, there were 342,000 recorded incidents of domestic violence. What's meant by "recorded incidents" is that these are incidents which were reported to the police; the real figure is probably quite a bit higher than this. Indeed, it's estimated that one in four women will be physically abused by their husbands/partners at some point during their lives - a frightening statistic, to say the least. But what many people don't realise or acknowledge is that women aren't the only ones who experience domestic violence; it happens to men as well.
In the statistic I've given above, 15% of the recorded incidents (i.e. 52,000 out of the 342,000) were acts of violence that took place against men, not women. This information comes from a survey published by the charity mankind.org.uk. This survey makes the telling point that men are less likely to report domestic violence against them than women are - perhaps they think that people won't believe them, or they are too ashamed to do so. Thus the "real" ratio of male to female domestic violence victims could well be a lot greater - the mankind.org survey believes it could be as high as 40:60.
Since 2003, the Home Office has provided local authorities with £60 million per year to support women at risk of domestic violence - this support takes the form of affordable housing for "at risk" women who have fled abusive relationships. No such support is available for men, and there are only a few domestic violence refuges for men in England and Wales, and none in Scotland or Northern Ireland.
After the recent news stories about female paedophiles, perhaps it's not terribly surprising to hear that women are capable of being abusive towards their husbands/partners. There are plenty of violent men out there, but men don't have the monopoly on aggression and violence by any means. Some people might ask the question "Why do men put up with it?" After all, men tend to be bigger and physically more powerful than women. In an analysis of callers to its helpline, the mankind.org survey even gives statistics on the average height and weight of the female perpetrator (5 feet 4 inches and 145 pounds) and the male victim (5 feet 9 inches and 169 pounds). So it's not just a question of puny men being picked on by Amazonian women.
However, as many female domestic violence victims will attest, it's not just about physical strength but psychological manipulation and control. I've known several pathologically manipulative women in my time, and it's not too big a stretch of the imagination to believe they're capable of physical violence on top of this. Children are also a factor. In Britain at least, it's much harder for the father to get custody of children after a break-up than it is for the mother. This makes me wonder how many men put up with abuse from their partners/wives because they don't want to walk out on their children and lose custody of them. It's a sobering thought.
© Empress Felicity November 2009
UK-based site/helplines for male sufferers of domestic violence
- http://www.mankind.org.uk/
ManKind Initiative is a men's charity which helps male victims of domestic abuse.
- http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/mens_advice.php
Men's Advice Line - Respect
More hubs about domestic violence
- Domestic Violence - Are You A Victim of Abuse?
Domestic violence, spousal abuse, child abuse, elder abuse - we have all heard the words, and seen the stories on the news - the ultimate results of unchecked domestic violence. - 2 years ago
- HOW TO GET FREE - from Domestic Violence
Back in the 70's when I started going through the typical late 20's syndrome that women have of wanting, needing, craving a marriage, babies, the whole deal - I had been out of a relationship for several years. I was very lonely and needy and so... - 2 years ago
- How to Prevent Domestic Violence
The only real way to prevent domestic violence is not to get involved with a person who has an abusive personality. Abusive behavior is not an act of rage. It is also not caused by substance abuse. It is a personality disorder and the chances of stopping a person from resorting to violence is so slight. - 2 years ago
 | Amazon Price: $43.68 List Price: $20.00 |
 | Amazon Price: $13.49 List Price: $22.00 |
CommentsLoading...
Hi Princessa, many thanks for your kind comment. Among some people there is an unfortunate "all men are b******s and all women are saints" mindset, when in fact real life is a lot more complicated than that!
I new a pro football player that was abused by his spouse. It was horrendous!
I agree that men CAN be victims of abuse. However I'm currently studying Abuse and Violence within the family and know many people working in the field. I know it is extremely frustrating to front line workers that statistics about how, for example, 15% of men also report abuse, are regularly trotted out and used out of context. The vast majority of abuse by women against men is self-defence, often after enduring years of physical, emotional and financial abuse against themselves and their children. Women need to be hospitalized due to abuse far more often and almost all killings as part of the cycle of abuse are men killing women. Occasionally men show up as being the victims of domestic violence killings, but even these stats are unreliable. They include self-defence, and sometimes even killings by men as part of the abusive relationship, for example when a new partner (real or perceived) is killed by an ex-partner.
I certainly don't want to ignore the (very) few cases where men are genuine victims of women's abuse. I would just ecourage people to look at statistics in context.
@Patty Inglish: Thanks for reading!
@Karen Banes: Thanks for your comment - I hadn't thought of the self defence aspect, but I suppose that must account for some of the violence committed by women against men!
Your title is so appropriate because unless you personally know someone, like I do, that is male and experiencing domestic abuse, it is very rarely thought of. Thanks for sharing!
When Social Services intervene in emotionally volatile homes, the man is considered guilty until proven innocent.
One of my very good friends (who is a loving, gentle man) had his life completely destroyed by a vindictive wife who wanted out of their marriage but wouldn't say so. The end result was a destroyed marriage, 3 distraught children, and my friend's depleted pension plan which he had to use to prove his innocence.
It took three years for Social Services to start believing the children or to even hear the evidence my friend tried to present in his defence. The entire 3-year ordeal rotated solely on the statements of the wife which were eventually proven to be untrue.
My friend still lives alone, is still very sad, and is still deeply wounded by a system that branded him a criminal before giving him a chance to tell his side of the story. Violence against men is real.
@ Money Glitch and Niteriter: thanks for your comments. What a horrific story - it's incredible that Social Services wouldn't even believe your friend's *children*. I have to say, I think social workers often have a very blinkered view and once they've decided what the "facts" of a particular situation are, they don't listen to anything that flies in the face of those "facts". Not all social workers are like that obviously, but I've come across one or two. I hope your friend gets his life back on track and that he still has regular contact with children.
EmpressFelicity, Very Good Hub! This is quite true! I do not believe in supporting violence of any kind be it man or woman! There is a push in support for women who suffer abuse... But, there are many men who suffer silently due to domestic violence! What makes it so sad is that quite often the children are also often manipulated and used as pawns as well.
Thank you for sharing this necessary and timely hub! Blessings!
This hub is a very good one .People don't realize how much abuse is out there when it comes to men, some men are afraid to come forth because the woman is so manipulative its so sad , if men only knew there voices would be heard and helped if they came forward...
Violence against men warrants a study since there is injustice done to men by not recognizing that domestic violence and abuse are often mutual, and equal justice demands equal treatment.
Well done - this is a bit of a taboo topic, and you've tackled it well!
The majority of 'abuse' of men by women is not physical. It is psychological and subtle; most men who are controlled by their wives, don't know it. For example, she doesn't want him talking to X so while he's on the phone she runs the vacuum cleaner. If he says anything to his wife about it, wife bursts into tears and runs out. He, of course, hangs up on X to see about wife.
The fact that wife deliberately had the vacuum cleaner on spot so as to run it after 30 seconds of husband's conversation with X is far too subtle to be considered.
Thanks to everyone who's commented since I last posted here. Qeyler, I do agree with you that if you're talking about spousal abuse in general terms, then a lot (though not all) abusive women use psychological rather than physical abuse. Your vacuum cleaner example is a good one. I would definitely say that emotional blackmail (the tears in your example) also counts as abuse.
'Emotional blackmail' is a term I thought I invented several years ago to describe my wife's behavior during our 13 year marriage. That's how I always looked at it and I'm excited to see someone else identifying and describing it in the same way. The few times my wife ever cried (other than at a movie), she was doing so, to make me, or her intended audience, believe that she was enduring some kind of abuse or mistreatment. In reality, I was the one who was being abused by her. She was just acting out to gain leverage and control over the situation by playing on other people's emotional reactions. When a woman cries, any descent Man will be concerned and feel obliged to help her if it's appropriate and within his power to do so. I do believe that men are wired to be protective of women. That's why it's so horrifying when a man truly overpowers a woman - physically. If a normal man is unable to help, he may feel guilty or somehow responsible, even though he had no part in the issue that caused the tears. I think it's just a natural instinctual reaction rooted somewhere in the healthy Mother/son relationship.
I'm glad you wrote this article because there are a class (and I do mean a specific personality type) of women who abuse their spouses, children and parents. My wife and her Mother had a particular animosity toward Men in general. They were very mean at times to my Father-in-law while we cared for him in old age (with cancer) and I shudder to think how they might have treated him if I had not participated in his supervision and care. I saw only flashes of cruelty, somehow my presence inhibited any real emotional abuse. Both my wife and my Mother-in-law exhibited a 'mean streak' when it came to certain intimate family issues and relationships with male members of our combined Families. Several times, especially early in the marriage, I was slapped across the face with great force by my wife. Looking back, she also slapped my best friend who had come to visit me (while he was on leave from his naval station). We had come home late and my clothes were on the front lawn - she slapped him unexpectedly across the face. He did nothing about it and I apologized profusely (to him!). He lost respect for me that night and it changed our friendship forever. On one occasion she slapped me hard enough to cause swelling and reddening of my cheeks the next day. I don't know why I let it go on and didn't address it immediately. Maybe because my Father and Mother use to fight and my marital discord was comparatively peaceful. Or perhaps I rationalized the many 'reasons why' my wife slapped me - I felt like I must have done something really wrong to provoke her. These incidents occurred only a handful of times and were spread far enough apart chronologically speaking, for me to let them slide. Looking back, I did nothing that deserved that kind of physical or emotional abuse however. Ironically, she always accused me of being a violent and unpredictable person with "a crazy look in my eyes." That 'crazy' look, if it existed at all, came from dealing with an irrational spouse.
We separated, after she melted down into what I can only describe as a Midlife Crisis, and my life is much more peaceful now. I have joint custody of my six year old, for the time being. But it is frustrating that I am unable to bring up the many instances where my wife slapped me and screamed and slammed doors - once she even broke my driver's side car window with a hammer (2nd year of marriage - I was not in the car). Thankfully, none of this behavior occurred in front of my daughter and I know that my wife cares about her child. I have no fear of her doing anything that would be construed as 'against the law' when it comes to our little girl, but I know that my wife does not set a good example in terms of how an adult should deal with their emotions. She simply will not look into the past experiences that have caused her such profound hurt and anger. She tried therapy several times but never made it passed the second or third visit.
I will tell you one thing: When we men are being abused it is very difficult to prove and harder to live down. And yes it does effect a man's self esteem on many different levels to be subjected to the cruelty of an abusive spouse. Good article!
when i look through these articles, how lucky a man must be to have a wonderfull wife, or was that just show. when my wife expect of me to sit in my sitting room and allow her and her boyfriend to roam around the house and the streets of windhoek i naturally got a shock i was blatantly told who will believe you today i ask myself are all married men suffering in silence since so much energy was spent on women's rights that fathers has become an endangered species what i did was to look in the humor in the situation and how pathetical the namibian legal system is worse then neanthertal and surely the laws contradicting each other imagine the animation about the powerful women who only uses men as sperm donors after which they are killed.
Hi Waldo and Pedestrian, thanks for reading - if my hub has helped in any way, then I'm very glad. Pedestrian, I can't help thinking that it's extremely fortunate that you and your wife had a daughter rather than a son. Hopefully your daughter will be able to "break the cycle" that seems (from my reading anyway) to be present in your wife's family. Waldo, I hope you manage to find a way to resolve your situation because it doesn't sound good.
Self defense is one thing, to do bodily harm and emotional harm just for a false feeling of self importance is another.. I speak from experience. My wife has beaten in me because her grandmother made her angry, something didn't go her way, I caught her in lies.... December past my face looked like ground beef. She attacked me with my 6 month old daughter in my arms. I've never struck her, never called her names, though not perfect I have shouted back at her.... domestic violence is VERY real. Women have tempers too. No one stops to turn the self defense aspect of men killing women in the sense if domestic violence. Far be it from me to say that's always the case, I know its not. Nor do I condone violence against women. I know first hand the effects of physical and the emotional abuse. I truly hope that my words help to open peoples eyes about men not really being victims of domestic violence. Wish I could go into greater details with my story, but it was hard enough to type what I have typed.
Hello: I am blown away with what I have read. Woman or man, it is so hard to find a good person to spend your life with. I had a brother who was shot and killed by his wife and all she could say was that she was defending her self. I agree with you guys, its not just women who suffer. Its men, women, and children and in my opinion, something needs to be done in either case. I just dont think self defense cuts it anymore because people know what they can get by with. Whats so bad about it, if he was beating her the way she said, she would of had marks all over her, but nothing was found, not even a scratch. His will was left to her only. The sad thing is everytime I spoke with him, he would always tell me how much he loved her and how she was his princess. uh, little did he know, he was going to lose his life.
@Jason: Sorry to hear what you're going through. It does sound as though your wife is one of those people for whom it's always going to be "someone else's fault", if that makes sense. Best of luck to you and hope you find a way to resolve your situation.
@Dot: What a horrific story. I don't suppose you have any way of knowing whether your brother had suffered domestic violence from his wife during his marriage. There must be plenty of other unanswered questions as well, the presence of which always makes someone's death harder to cope with (I know this from personal experience, albeit not in a domestic violence context).
Hi Jason:The only thing I have to go on is her story because his voice of the story will never be heard. I just hope men start standing up for what is right and not worry about what society thinks about them. In my opinion, your more of a man to stand up for something that should be observed and looked into. I have really enjoyed reading about this site and I wish everyone the best of luck.
Very good article you have made a very good point! i believe that yes women do get abused more often then men do but that doesn't mean we should ignore the fact that they do get abused. A woman can abuse a man without him knowing it is abuse in many ways. it's hard to hear about how many people have to deal with abuse without charges these days though. my 13 year old daughter was almost beat to death by her boyfriend and the police said they couldn't do anythin about it. something needs to change!
@Karen Banes : Here are stats for. Virtually all across the world, with the exception of rural China and a couple of other places, the suicide rate for men is about twice that of women.
I'm glad it was written but I wish this article went further....
The main trap is: The moment a man defends himself is the moment they are seen as the abuser. All they can do is put their hands up and hope for mercy. This gives aggressive women free reign while they know it will not be reported.
I am an abuser and a victim. I am female. In 08 my fiance (boyfriend at the time) and I went through what could only be described as complete and utter hell. I would constantly egg him on to hit me, throw things at him, spit in his face, etc, all because I was to scared to tell the truth. I won't tell you what that truth was, but that whole year was shit.
Well recently (just last night, in fact) I had been drinking. I couldn't remember the last time I drank. On the way home I got into a fight with him over the most stupid thing-whether or not he gave me my cellphone back. One thing led to another and suddenly I found my arm flying out of it's own accord and SLAPPING him across the face. As soon as it happened he exploded and hit back. I immediately regretted it; he threw me out of the car (thankfully I was in my apartments parking lot), sped off and later I found a message from him saying he was going to come for his stuff and that we were through.
I've never been so confused about my own actions, so helpless. I'm sure he's feeling just as crappy. But I feel the most angry with myself. We haven't had a single incident such as this in a long time. I thought we had worked past this crap.
Basically I am a woman who has abused and also been abused by her partner. I want him back but have no way of actually showing him how much I care, since he will probably never trust me again.
Princessa Level 3 Commenter 2 years ago
Interesting information here. Sadly most people think about domestic violence in terms of men aggressing women and children but very rarely we consider the idea that women too can be capable of violence towards their children and partners. It is all about social perceptions, men too can be victims of domestic violence. Thank you for the reminder.